STATS

Not a mutter did he utter…

As he lay there in the gutter.

For you can tell a man who boozes …

By the company he chooses.

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

                                                            (anon.)

One can but wonder as to what brought the poor wretch in the gutter to such a parlous state. Unrequited love perhaps but more likely our boozy friend is a bridge player whose partner consistently passes his two club opening bid.

Figures show that over 70% of heavy drinkers are frustrated bridge players. They also show that 45 % of slams fail and 65% of bridge players are women. In a recent survey 90% of those who play bridge say they do so to avoid taking the dog for a walk; the other 10% said they played in order to impress their neighbours. When pondering these figures it is as well to remember it has been said that there are lies, damned lies and statistics!

*****

FULL CIRCLE

It is not clear whether our ancestors; the Anglo-Saxons played bridge, probably not as they were not confrontational, more a peace loving nation who wanted nothing other than to grow crops and tend to their livestock, they were farmers who just like Greta Garbo wanted to be left alone.The fly in The ointment for Anglo-Saxon farmers were the Vikings, these blood-thirsty Danes arrived in their long-boats and set about raping and pillaging on a grand scale, they  did paradoxically turn barbarianism into a fine art-form. Only Alfred the Great of Wessex who when he wasn’t burning cakes was able to resist them. In 1066 the Normans arrived, built a few castles and eventually put an end to the pillaging antics of the Danes. The Normans certainly did play Bridge.

The Danes, undeterred by the set-back carried on warring with all and sundry for many centuries thereafter and only, probably due to exhaustion, gave up after a heavy defeat at the hands of the Prussians in 1864. These days Danish folk content themselves with making vast quantities of little brightly coloured plastic bricks as well as, ironically, producing mountains of butter and doing extraordinary things with pork bellies. The only interest the Danes show for bridge is for the five mile long masterpiece that connects them to Sweden, by imposing border controls on the bridge the Swedes are playing a dangerous game; they could well be stirring embers that are not fully extinguished.

*****