HEARD AT THE TABLE

She may not be very good at bridge but she does make a lovely Dundee cake’.

‘I knew they were strong players the moment they came to our table; they were both so very scruffy’.

‘They are very good players but charming with it, they always smile and offer you a candy after they’ve duffed you up’.

‘His bridge is awful but at least he wears a collar and tie’.

‘Given the choice I would prefer the pain of having a tooth extracted than that of missing a makeable slam’.

Words you least want to hear; partner when laying down their cards having raised you to game. ‘I haven’t got much but do the best you can’.

*****

PASSIVE DEFENCE

Passive defence is a strategy often adopted by bridge players; rather than going in with all guns blazing passive defence requires you to keep your powder dry and await developments.

Contrary to popular belief Sir Francis Drake was not playing bowls when the Spanish Armada was sighted in the Western Approaches in 1588; he was actually playing bridge with three cronies in the Ship and Shovel Tavern situated on Plymouth Hoe.

Upon seeing the size of Spanish fleet Drake immediately realised that he was outnumbered and outgunned and passive defence was called for, he harassed the enemy being careful to keep out of range of the cumbersome galleons superior armoury. Frustrated the Duke of Medina Sidonia sheltered his vessels in Calais Harbour which was a big mistake, Drake taking advantage of a favourable tide set unmanned fireboats upon the enemy; this tactic completely unnerved the poor Spanish sailors who feared nothing more than fire. Breaking up in disarray they could do nothing more than circumnavigate the British Isles and limp back to Spain with their tale firmly between their legs.

Naturally keen to capitalise fully upon his achievement Drake approached his friend the playwright Will Shakespeare, gave him the low-down on the battle with a view to having his deeds immortalised on the stage. Whilst keen on the idea Shakespeare explained that at the time he was very much wrapped up with the antics of a dysfunctional Danish prince, he suggested that Kit Marlowe may be willing to undertake the task. Marlowe announced it a splendid idea and promised to set to work immediately on the project with a working title of ‘Drake Saves England’s Bacon’; unfortunately before he could start he became embroiled in a drunken brawl outside a house of ill-repute in Cheapside, instead of adopting the stratagem of passive defence and legging it he stood his ground and ended up in the mortuary. This should be a salutary lesson bridge players the world over when defending against an opponent who has a strong hand.