“When you become too old for sex it’s like getting a tiger off your back”. So said Socrates (the philosopher not the footballer) a long time ago. It may have been Aristotle who said it; anyway it was one of those wise old Greeks. A modern day philosopher might well say “When you become too old for sex you take up bridge” You thus replace one tiger on your back with another!
bridge
THINGS THEY NEVER TAUGHT YOU AT SCHOOL
‘Divorced beheaded died. Divorced beheaded survived’.
The journalistic adage ‘never let the truth stand in the way of a good story’ equally applies to writers of historical events. Fiction and fact merge; modern historical writers would have us believe that Henry VIII took on six wives to either cock a snook at the Vatican or produce a lusty male heir or maybe both. Nothing could be further from the truth; Henry was simply looking for a good reliable bridge partner, not for nothing was he known as ‘Bluff King Hal’.
To his credit Henry stuck with the first Mrs.Tudor for best part of twenty-four years, eventually he grew tired of her constant revoking and gave her the old heave-ho, she appealed to the Pope as the EBU was at that time non-existent, the pontiff prevaricated and she was forced to depart. Anne Boleyn swiftly followed and for a time all went well; she was a spirited lass who could hold her corner but her unwise infatuation with the striker of West Ham football club led to her downfall, one day she was happily blowing bubbles; the next, for her, it was the unkindest cut of all.
With Jane Seymour it was a different kettle of fish altogether, her union with Henry was a true matching of souls, fate decreed they be together for just one year when poor Jane due to the lack of penicillin died prematurely. Henry was inconsolable and for three years gave up playing bridge, it was only when his envoy to the Low Countries who, noticing a young girl from Cleves playing cards sent her as a possible partner. It was to be an ill fated venture, the envoy failed to realise the only card game little Annie could play was happy families. She was quickly packed off to a grace and favour castle where she spent the rest of her days doing good works and organising gymkhanas.
You have to feel sorry for Kathryn Howard; she was but a slip of a wench when Henry, thirty years her senior, took her on. She should have made sure he was her sole partner, as it was she played the field and her coming of age bash was not the one she had in mind.
Kate Parr definitely had her head screwed on the right way; she had the good sense to employ a sleight of hand artist as the royal card shuffler whose mandate was to ensure that Henry always received strong biddable hands….. They both lived happily ever after.
*****
RABBITS REVENGE
It has to be admitted, most members of local bridge clubs are rabbits; the social aspect of our weekly get together is as important to us as is our scores. It also has to be admitted that there are a few really strong players around for whom the score is everything: bash the bunnies is their motto.
When confronted by really strong players we rabbits usually adopt a policy of keeping our powder dry and our heads below the parapet, after a few hands they will depart leaving us to lick our wounds. It doesn’t have to be this way; we can by borrowing a leaf from the book ‘One-upmanship’ by the late Stephen Potter strike back.
Recognising really strong players is easy enough, they have a habit of picking their noses whilst at the same time chomping away at a Subway Veggie Burger spluttering crumbs over all and sundry as they do so, the most remarkable thing about them however is their appearance; it is in a word; scruffy!
What you must do when really strong players join you is say to your partner in the most disarming manner “Isn’t amazing how scruffy very good players are”. Your partner equally disarmingly must reply “Yes, and some of them are remarkably smelly as well”. That’s all there is to it, you may well still be trounced by the really strong players but the inner glow of satisfaction you experience as they leave your table and surreptitiously sniff under their armpits as they depart more than makes up for this.
*****
bridgewithken 